


Cooler Than Me

by Grungey_Romantic



Category: Guns N' Roses, Nirvana (Band)
Genre: Based on a song, Bisexuality, Dumbasses, I need to be stopped, I would say I'm sorry but I'm really not, Love songs, M/M, also kurt and courtney are divorced in this, also love song wars should be a thing fight me, band mates are tiered whatever deity help them, guilty pleasure ships, kinda slow burn?, love song war, they are bitter and stupid okay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:53:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29843850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grungey_Romantic/pseuds/Grungey_Romantic
Summary: "If I could write you a songTo make you fall in loveI would already have you right under my armI used to pull all my tricksI hope that you like thisYou probably won'tYou think you're cooler than me"I should not be allowed to jump from 80s music, to 90s music, to 2000s throwbacks unsupervised. Because then this shit happens. Please enjoy my weird story idea that spiraled.
Relationships: Kurt Cobain/Axl Rose
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	1. I'm Not Gonna Write You A Love Song (Except I Will)

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, the lyrics I wrote either reference the song that inspired this, or are just straight bad. I tried.

“What, you’re gonna write a song to make me fall in love with you?” Kurt asked sarcastically. 

Axl, like a dumbass, took it as a challenge. “Please, if I did, you’d already be on my arm.” 

  
  


And that’s how he ended up scribbling in a notebook when he should have been sleeping. Purely out of a petty impulse, he’d swear to it. “Fuck, what even is there to write about?” 

He shook his head slightly, some hair managing to fall out of the loose ponytail he threw it back in. “Stupid fucker-” He muttered, scribbling out another line. 

_ Got your head in the clouds _

_ Bet I could make you come down  _

Two weeks later, Kurt found a thick envelope in his mailbox, containing a cassette tape and a short note. 

_ “Hope that you like this, fucker” _

He cursed the fact that he knew who it came from. After playing it, he cursed again, and louder, that he actually did like it. Whatever, it’s not like it  _ actually _ made him fall in love. It was just an annoyingly good song. 

Was that going to stop him from writing a response love song that  _ had _ to be better and as sarcastic as possible? Absolutely not. 

Krist shook his head at him. “So, you’re saying there’s no feelings involved in this?”

  
  
Kurt was leaned over a piece of scrap paper, Frances in his lap. “No feelings, at all.”   


  
“Right… you’re just writing a love song with  _ absolutely  _ no feelings. Yep. That’s gonna work.”

“He did it. I can do it better.” 

“Sure, Kurt. No feelings on either side. I completely believe you.” Krist said, voice flat. 

“Yeah, because of all the people to have the bad taste of having a crush on me, it’s gonna be Axl Rose.” He said, rolling his eyes slightly. 

“Well, he did use to like you…” 

“Yeah, and now he doesn’t. What else is new?” 

Krist sighed. “Okay, well, first of all, he wrote a song for you.” 

“To be petty.” Kurt interjected. 

Krist gave him a look. “Second of all, remember that shit almost every adult told little girls on the playground? ‘He’s only mean to you because he likes you’?” 

“Still of the firm belief that that is a bullshit thing to teach little girls.”

“I’m with ya, trust me.” Krist said, holding up his hands. “Just saying… it’s not  _ impossible _ .” 

Kurt shook his head-or tried to, since Frances decided she wanted to play with the ends of it. “I’m not even getting into the biggest hole in your theory. He’s straight.” 

“You also publically claim to be.” 

“And? Behind that makeup, the man is straight as a damn arrow.” 

“Sure, Kurt. You’ve never even had a conversation with him that wasn’t passive-aggressive, but you totally know what’s behind the makeup.” 

Kurt snapped his fingers, quickly giving Krist finger guns. “That’s it.”

“What’s it? Finally seeing logic?”   
  
“Shut up, I see logic just fine.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Shush.”

_ Don’t even know who’s behind the makeup _

_ Who the hell are you? _

“That absolute fucking  _ fucker _ ” 

“Is that all you’re referring to him as now? You’re usually more colorful with your insults.” Izzy spoke up from his spot on the couch, tiredly smoking a cigarette. “Don’t get what you’re so pissed about. He responded, and it’s actually a pretty good song. You have a pretty good love song about you. Not a lot of people can say that.”    
  
“He’s such a-”

“Fucker. I know. You’ve said it. Twenty times.” 

Axl made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. “I gotta get back at him now-”

“Have you considered taking up something? A hobby? Maybe knitting or crochet, instead of whatever the fuck this is?” 

“Izzy, please shut up.” 

“No, I don’t think I will.” 

“Fuck you.”

“How about you fuck Cobain instead?”

Axl grabbed a pillow from the couch, throwing it at his smirking friend. “Hell no!”

“You already wrote him a love song.” Izzy raised an eyebrow. “And he wrote one back. I’d even go as far as to say that it’s a little more intimate than sending love letters.”

“They’re to be petty. There are no feelings involved in this.” 

“No feelings. In  _ love songs _ . None. Sure. Okay, I’ll buy it.” 

“I didn’t ask for sarcasm.” 

“You’re friends with me. Sarcasm is part of the deal. You’ve known this for years.” 

“I hate you sometimes.” Axl said, sitting down and grabbing his notebook. 

_ Fuck you, in my veins _

_ Cause I hate to love you _

“Goddamn that piece of shit-”

“Kurt, calm down. Go outside. Maybe touch some grass or something.” Dave said, having been playing with Frances. 

“No, I gotta respond now.” He said, going hunting for some paper. 

“Why?”

“Because otherwise, he wins!” 

“...You need a hobby.” 

“I have hobbies.”

“Writing passive-aggressive love songs about Axl Rose isn’t a hobby, Kurt.” Dave said, looking up at him. 

“I wasn’t talking about that!”

“Sure, Kurt.” 

Kurt rolled his eyes slightly, taking the cassette out. “I hate him.”

“I’m putting money on that being a lie.” Dave said, laughing slightly. 

“Why?” Kurt asked, going to put it with the other cassette, and managing to finally find an old legal pad. 

“You wrote him a love song. And you’re about to write another. Doesn’t exactly scream ‘I hate that motherfucker’.”

“If my daughter’s first word ends up being ‘motherfucker’, I swear to God-”

“Hey, you’re worse about it!” 

“You get my point!” Kurt said, sitting on the floor next to them and uncapping the sharpie he grabbed. 

_ You need everyone’s eyes just to feel seen _

_ But can’t you feel my stare?  _

“I’m gonna fight him.” 

Duff looked up. “You say that, but you’re already going to write him another song.”   
  
“Shut up.” Axl snapped, opening the notebook again. “I can’t let him win!”

“Axl, I’m starting to doubt the whole ‘no actual feelings’ thing.”

“Give me one good reason why there would be feelings.”

“Okay, ignoring that you started this, and you’re working on your third fucking love song for him… he’s at least caught feelings. That song was just some pining stream of consciousness shit.” Duff said, shrugging. “Just saying. I know you don’t like him, but if you’re so sure  _ you _ have no feelings-again, which I doubt-maybe don’t be a dick and play with someone else’s feelings?” 

“I’m not 'playing with his feelings’, Duff.” He said, flipping him off. “He’s a sarcastic little fucker.” 

“I swear, ‘fucker’ is practically your pet name for him.” 

“It’s not a pet name!” 

“Sure, Axl, keep telling yourself that.” 

He had to admit, a love song war was probably better than what they had before. 


	2. The Plot Sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bois are planning mischief!!!!!!!!! What sins shall they commit!!!!!!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this would be okay and also sorry it's a short filler

Duff leaned against the wall, phone held to his ear, waiting for the other end to pick up. 

It was a few minutes before a voice came through. “Hello?”    
  
Duff stood up a little straighter. “No- Nov- Novoselic.” He said, like he hadn’t just stumbled over the pronunciation. 

“...Yeah? Who is it?”

“Duff. Mckagan.” He said, messing with the chord. 

“What do you want?” 

“I have a stupid, extremely vague plan, and it kind of involves your frontman.” 

“If this is about the weird love song thing they’re doing, I’m in. Kurt is fucking hopeless.” 

“Okay, so we’re on the same page? Because Axl is a stubborn motherfucker.” 

“Oh, thank fuck, I was hoping it wasn’t one-sided-” 

“So you’re in?”

“Fuck yes. These men are disasters.” 

“Alright, any idea if we’ll be anywhere near each other anytime soon?” 

“I think…” 


	3. Dumb Fucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bois realize the obvious

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey fun fact Kurt and Axl are basically my last two braincells with my crush and Krist and Izzy are my friend's last two braincells when dealing with my bi pining ass

“Okay, you know I’m not a violent person, right? Because I wanna fight Axl.”

“Sure ya do, Kurt.” 

“I do!”

“I’m really doubting this is ‘no feelings’, man.” 

“...Well, definitely not on his end.”

Krist clapped, laughing. “I knew it! I fucking knew it!” 

Kurt sighed, slouching slightly over the legal pad he was scribbling on. “Doesn’t matter, though.” 

“Why not? I think it matters.” Krist said, resting his chin in his hand. 

“It’s not like he would like me back.” 

“...Kurt, he’s literally written you a bunch of love songs.” 

“Yeah, but he doesn’t actually  _ mean _ any of them.” 

“You fucking dumbass-” 

… 

“Okay, Izzy, I need you not tell another soul what I’m about to tell you.”

“Oh?”

“I’m serious. Not Duff, not Slash, not Steven,  _ nobody _ .”

“Just spit it out, Axl.” 

“Okay, so the love song thing with Cobain? Yeah, well, I think the ‘no feelings’ part isn’t exactly true-”

Izzy threw his hands up. “Congratulations! You are officially the last to know!” 

“I am not!”

“Axl, you are the most obvious motherfucker.” 

“I can’t help it! I actually like the little fucker!” Axl said, with the tiniest bit of affection in the insult. 

“I know.” 

“You think he likes me?” 

Izzy blinked, staring at him with a blank face. “Axl, you’re my best friend, but you’re so fucking stupid sometimes.” 

… 

“Krist, I appreciate the encouragement, but there is no way he likes me back.”

“Give me one good reason.” 

Kurt gestured at himself, giving him an incredulous look. 

Krist shook his head. “Look, Kurt, I know you’re a little stupid and blind sometimes, but you are, in fact, loveable. Now  _ please _ just talk to him.” 

“But he won’t-”

“Kurt, how many love songs did he write you?”

“...But what if you’re wrong?”   
  
“Then I’m wrong, and I’m sorry! It’s not the end of the world!” 

… 

“Izzy, are you  _ sure _ about this?” 

“Well, seeing as I’m apparently the smart one here-”

“Hey!”

“Yes! Now, shut up for once in your life and  _ listen _ .” 

Axl quieted down, crossing his arms. 

“So, they’re gonna be in town in a week.”

“Okay?”

“Duff and Krist were already planning something, so we’re building off that now.”

“...Wait, what-”

“Shush! Anyway, Krist is gonna offer to watch Frances, Dave is gonna talk him into going out.”

“...Okay?” 

“Alright, here’s where things are gonna get delicate…” 


	4. F Is For Friends Who Set You Up With The Guy You Thought You Hated But Oops Turns Out You Don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's another filler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried oops 
> 
> also hey slash is finally here and I promise steven is gonna show up but I have a REALLY specific scene I want him to show up in that I haven't gotten to yet

Kurt bit his lip, fidgeting as Krist fussed over his hair for the millionth time. “Krist, man, I love you, but me running into Axl tonight is a maybe at best.” 

“And? The possibility is still there.” 

Kurt sighed, biting on the nail of his thumb, hearing Dave sing random nonsense songs to Frances. “Are you sure-”

“Yes.”   
  
“Yes! Please have fun, you bisexual disaster.” Dave said, laughing. 

“...Fine…” 

Krist cheered, pulling him up. “Let’s go.”

… 

“Okay, do I look alright?” 

“What are you, a teenage girl? Yes, you look fine.”

Axl nodded, pushing his hair back. 

Slash looked up from where he was messing around with his guitar. “Ya know, I don’t think I’d ever expected to see you get flustered over  _ Cobain _ of all people.” 

“Shut it.”

“Axl’s gonna get some ass!”   
  
“I said shut it!” 

“Aw, c’mon, it’s endearing!” 

“I swear, I will shove that guitar up your ass-”

“Just go on your date.” 

“It’s not a date!” 

“Get your man. Give him the last love song! Fuck him til he can’t stand!” 

“Right. You go get a normal personality while I’m gone.” Axl said, heading out the door. 


	5. THE IDIOTS DID SOMETHING RIGHT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IT'S HAPPENING Y'ALL IT'S HAPPENING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have figured out my favorite type of ship is just "dumbasses"
> 
> Also, Steven is finally here!

Kurt chewed at his lip as he walked down the hall, Dave having said something about having forgotten something back in the room, and meeting him downstairs. He had, admittedly, half zoned out, and wasn’t actually looking where he was going. 

“Oh, fuck-!”

“Shit, sorry-”

He stumbled back a few steps, finding himself face to face with-

_ Oh, Fuck. _

“Hey.” Axl said, smiling a little bit. 

“Hey.” Kurt said, a little uncertain. “Funny running into you here.”

“Yeah… hey, while I’m here-” He started, digging something out of his pocket. “Might as well give you this in person, fucker.” 

There was no harshness in the insult, but Kurt still felt something cold run through him as he took the cassette. “Thanks…?” 

“Your welcome.” 

They lapsed into silence, Kurt turning the cassette over in his hands a few times, eyes catching the phrase scrawled on the masking tape label. 

_ For You, you Fucker. _

“Hey, can I talk to you? In private?” 

Kurt looked up, blinking a few times. “We’re alone, but sure?” 

Axl nodded, grabbing his wrist and leading him away. Kurt just decided to act like he was mentally screaming. They eventually came to some empty event room, where Axl finally dropped his arm, and turned to face him. 

“Look,” The redhead started, sighing. “I gotta tell you something, and if it doesn’t work out, you gotta promise it’s not gonna leave this room.” 

“O...kay…?” 

“Look, the love song thing? Yeah, well, it’s hard to find shit to write about in a love song without actually starting to like them. And then you start liking the person, and I’ve had at least six nights where I stayed up questioning my sexuality, and-”

“Hey, guys, what’s happening-”   
  
“Steven! Privacy! Please!” 

Steven blinked, looking between the two. “What- oooohhhh, it’s that?”    
  
“Yes, now shoo!” 

Steven grinned, laughing as he ran out. “Duff! It’s happening!” 

“Okay, where was I- right, okay-” He took another deep breath. “I love you, you absolute fucker.” He said, voice soft with affection. 

Kurt blinked, absolutely freezing for a solid few minutes, before finally finding something to say, voice still showing his shock. 

“...Have you actually been using ‘fucker’ as a term of endearment?” 

“Maybe?”    
  
“I love you too, you son of a bitch-” 

Axl grinned, stepping a little closer. “May I?” 

“S-sure.” 

He smirked, wrapping an arm around the blond’s waist and tilting his chin up. He pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, before pulling back a tiny bit. “Okay?” 

“ _ Very _ okay.” 

  
“Hey, Axl, Duff is looking for you, and I think Dave is looking for Kurt-”    


  
“Steven, I swear to God-!”


End file.
